When, in disgrace with Fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wshing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state
(Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth) sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remembered such weath brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.
- #29 Sonnet - William Shakespeare
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I still remember the first time i read this sonnet was in high school grade 12, i was but 16 years old. All I could think about was how beautiful the poetry is and how lyrical it is to read it - ah.. the sounds of words flowing right through, pausing here and there in between my lips as if waiting for me to savour the rich meanings dwelled in it. Back then, I guess I thought i'd known everythign there is to know about the world. You know, an A student in grade 12 at high school probably thought she deserved to be a little pompous and arrogant. And I was; with this and everything else. I never thought i'd actualy come to a deeper realization and a different and the most sympathetic understanding of the verse as I've lived a little bit in the world alone here in Toronto. I have lived the poetry!
I recognize the symptoms that Shakespeare's talking of in the verse. IT's depression. I've studied it, read it online, lived through it; both this verse and my life of depression. It is entirely identical. I came across this verse again today and was amazed how similar and heart-felt this verse is to somebody who is or has gone through somethign like that. "With what I most enjoy contented least" is a sentence that can't be more eloquent and realistic in its way of describing the lack of motivations in life and the loss of interest in the things that used to be the centre of my life. And how often have I '[looked] upon myself and [cursed] my fate' and complained and frustrated at how life is never the way i wanted it to be and how miserable I always am. And Oh..
"Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,"
how convenient and suitably similar this describes my life most of the time. Its' envy! Alas. Shakespeare has again revolutionized the way I see him and the world, for he is such a genius and a powerful psychologist in nature - he's written his diagnosis of sickness of human nature all over his characters in his plays and stories. I am glad to have met him through his lines and words and certainly feel very honoured to even have understood and lived somethign he's written about, even if it is depression.
=)
Well, I guess now i'll just have to find somebody. Somebody who can turn the first part of the verse into the second half by bringing about this sudden turn of tone and outlook on life. OH, how powerful that person must be to him to inspire him such a change and to bring about heaven in hell and going from the gloom to raising lark. I can't wait to experience something this dramatic.
