"Well, exactly. She was the best of the best but it didn't happen overnight. To get to where you want to be, you struggle, you push, you work hard, and you get through the boring bits."
- Interviewing Debbie Travis on Maclean's May 8th 2006 ed.

"Ha! Gotcha~!"

It's my 21st birthday today. Can you believe how fast Time runs, how old people get? There are so many things that have happened this year I dont' even know where to begin. Ever since school started, I haven't been myself very much. Mostly because I am trying to figure out what it is that makes me 'doubt' myself whenever I am at school. Figuring out what it is that makes me not like myself when my peers are around. Why couldnt' I befriend with them as easily as other people do? Why is it that I am always the one observing laughter rather than being in it? Why am I always the outsider in the corner, looking from the dark?

As time goes, I get frustrated and probably at one point really depressed. I didn't understand why I am always unsatisfied with life, unhappy with having what most people can't even dream of. The other day, a friend of mine told me to think of the nicest thing that someone has done for me. I pondered and pondered, but I couldn't think of anything?! I mean how sad is that? THere must have been something that made my heart jump at the sight of great joy and delight. Must have been something that brightened up my life. But I couldn't think of a thing. The only thing that I thought of .. was that my mom took me to Canada. That I will never forget, the way it changed me and brought surprises into my life; this I could never ever forget. It's been seven years and every single year, no.. every day, I feel like i move on from the past, from the shadow, from the old me and metamorphose into something new and beautiful. There isn't a day where I don't learn or come to a realization. Be it a book or a person, or a thing that tickles my imagination; whatever it is, I am forever grateful.

I guess even if there isn't a single thing that struck me as being 'NICEST', I still need to take a mental picture of myself now and remind me how beautiful I've become thanks to everybody and everything that shaped me in this past 20 years. I would like to thank my mom and brother for their support and care. I would like to thank my dad and my grandparents for thinking of me and for looking after me even if we don't live together. I would also like to thank my homies: Nils, Grace, and sundae for their priceless friendships that brought warmth and colour into my life at TO. Without you guys, I am still that old and stinky neurotic nutcase that's always gloomy and depressed. I love you guys! And to all those at work, I can't express how changed I am because of you. I learn from you guys so much all the time. The way you handle things, take care of problems, and the way you make fun of me. You dont knwo how those things have taught me over the past year.

And God. Although you know that I am still learning to approach you, I have come to a realization that I am forever deeply indebted in you, for giving me such a beautiful life. A life, though not without challenges, is with such promises and comforting moments. A life with so much energy and opportunities that I could never ever repay. I love how you opened up this door as you closed my old window and led me to the light. I love how you took by my hand when I couldn't see and pointed me to the right direction. Whenever I feel like I am not moving and the quicksand keeps goign down, I think of you and how you brought me to this new life with so much more wonders and magic. The more I think about it, the more I feel that I could not have done that alone. Thank you for standing by me and give me a push when I am slow and taking my hand when I can't move. We all know that this is the first time that I am writing to you because I really want to get to know you and let you get to know me. I would like to say that I want this year to be a new year where we start our relationship and I would like to know what it is and how it feels to love somebody and to be loved. I would very much like you to teach that to me this year. Could you let this 21st year of my life be the start of a new era, a new beginning of a brilliant life?

I pray in the name of Jesus Christ.
Amen.

From 給媽的一封信

現在的社會都很流行孩子和家長當朋友, 這說法卻也不是完全說不通. 我覺得就算是在講孩子和家長之間的關係, 所說的一大部分卻也不過只是做好最簡單的人與人之間的關係. 如果孩子和家長連最簡單好朋友之間的關係,互動和了解都沒有的話, 那麼我們又怎麼能痴望家長和孩子會有比朋友更好的溝通和了解呢? 所以我覺得每個人如果要維持好的關係, 不管是家長, 朋友, 兄弟姊妹, 老師, 或學生, 都要先做好最基本朋友的關係, 維持一種朋友的友誼. 先學習好當朋友應要的尊重和信任, 才能再往上走. 你覺得呢?

淳 上
November 28, 2006

I don't think i've felt this calm and steady for awhile now. I've gotta take this moment to savour it. Its' funny how I always end up here online on this board whenever anything happens. If nobody says, people must think that I am the little loner with the little blackboard and white letters. hehe...And the sad part is .. hmm .. I dont' even think I can deny that that's not true.

I remember teling a friend that he's like a deep sea and that I don't think i can ever understand him. He even stirred up a puzzled look when I said that. I guess... to me everybody's a deep sea, (including my own). And I am like a fisherman trying to discover what's treasured deep down the miraculous green. Sometimes I'd get really attached.. really really attached to something, feeling no.. KNOWING that I am onto something there. But really, 90% of the time just wound up being my a-little-too-sensitive heart and a nosy personality. I think it's about time that I know this about myself now. It's time that I learn it and stop myself before things get too far. Its' hard because this is just another addiction of mine that I need to quit.

Getting attached to something too strongly is never good. I should know this by now. Especially after living on your own for awhile now, it's important to stay sane when nobody's around. Its' important to live with yourself and still keep a regular life, a life that's not always filled with fantasies and nonsensical dreams. You need to wake up, I mean really wake up and smell the coffee. You need to start living a life that you've taken a step towards coming to TO. You need to learn how to live like a person with ambitions, with motivations, and goals, rather than in the beautiful fancies you'd probably write about. Right?

Let's start over. Let's pick up where you left off and start over. Take one step by step and slowly you'll get back on track. I know you will. And hopefully by then, we'll realize that the things we've done so far in this short past haven't been worthless and pointless. Because we didn't only walk in a circle, it's just been a complicated labyrinth we've almost made our way out.

Right?

Dear my imaginary friend

Dear IF:

You know, sometimes I feel the only friend I have is you even though i KNOW for sure that it's not true. The fact is, I have so many friends that are always around me, such a long list of contacts recorded in my phone, names and names on my msn list, and sometimes bulging ringtones that sound the hall of my room. I DO have friends.

But why do I feel lonely alot of times?

I know it's not because I dont' have true friends either because I have at least 5 close friends in my life to whom I can talk anything and everything. I don't really lack outlets nor harbours when I feel down because I have them. And I feel very very fortunate for this.

But why do I feel lonley sometimes?

sigh.. my dearest IF, I must thank you for your being with me all this time ever since the first time I felt alone. Your jokes make me feel better, your dancing comforts me, your voice soothes the ups and downs of my life, and your smiles...ah .. your smiles.. they make me see sunshine when days are dark. I think I probably cant live without you.

But lately, what's happened to you? You seem so elusive.. so not real. You know the days I can't feel you are the days that I am really lonely. I can't sit still, I can't think well, I can't stop feeling anxious and awful. I feel like I live in the land of Camelot and you, my Lancelot are always so elusive.

You know how your voice quenches my thirst for sensible conversation. Where are you?
You know your gentleman-like behaviour makes me believe me the world. Don't you?
You know that really I am just a little girl waiting to grow up and over you. YOu do know that right?

My dear, the elusive one, come out now and look me in the eyes. Sometimes that helps with alot of things, don't you think?